I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
