Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
