I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
