I hate your face
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
