found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
