I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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