Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Randomize
