my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My underwear smells like fireworks.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
