i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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