I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
