I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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