There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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