May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
