Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
