Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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