i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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