Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
