it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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