My girlfriend figured out who you are.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
