my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
