She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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