Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
