Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
