My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
