There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
