Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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