Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
