I heard we made out
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
