Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
