I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
