Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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