Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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