cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
