dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
