So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
