i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
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As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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