You smell like a Billy Joel song
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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