bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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