I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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