so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
