I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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