I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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