I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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