My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
