my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
