he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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