i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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