I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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