My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
