Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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