He kissed a someone with a penis
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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