dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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