So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
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Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
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Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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