Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
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