I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
