So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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